


Briefed

by Missy



Category: Night Court
Genre: April Fools' Day, Families of Choice, Gen, Humor, Plot Twists, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-30
Updated: 2016-05-30
Packaged: 2018-07-11 04:57:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7029712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Missy/pseuds/Missy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan lies his head off to get Christine's latest client declared innocent.  He has plans for the evening that include the luscious Lurleen, you see, and he wants to escape the court before becoming embroiled in their traditional April Fool's Day prank war.  But his colleagues might just be one step ahead of him....</p>
            </blockquote>





	Briefed

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Shorina](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shorina/gifts).



> It took me a little while for this one to completely form in my mind, but a rewatch jogged my memory. Gosh, I love this show. Thank you for requesting it, and I really hope you like the fic!

“…And that’s when I told those bikers to reach for the sky. Oh, they fought me – and their might was astronomically difficult to push back – but in the end I punched out twenty of them. And as I carried those orphans to safety through heat and flame, I accepted only one thing in return for my services. My dear Lurleen, do you know what that thing was?”

The big-haired redhead he’d been desperately trying to impress for the past twenty minutes. “Nah.”

Dan took a deep breath. “The answer is a simple, hearty handshake. So when I call you to the witness stand in ten minutes, do me the simple favor of being decent, direct and honest, and I’ll do my damnedest to get you off in every meaning of that word.”

“Wow,” said Lurleen. Her eyes widened. “Just one thing?”

“What?”

“What’s astronomical mean?”

Dan’s teeth ground together. “Good God, I’m happy you’re pretty. Forget everything I said. When I call your name, just hike your skirt up and wink at the judge and I’ll try to throw the case. Got it?”

“I think so,” she said, snapping her gum. There was a sudden increase in noise as Bull and Harry entered the court room. 

“All rise,” Bull said, as Harry approached the bench, “criminal court part two is now in session. The honorable Harold T. Stone presiding.”

“I didn’t do it!” yelled Lurleen into the void, causing Dan to groan. 

“It is probably the only thing you didn’t do,” Christine observed, coming to stand beside her client and sighing at her luck. 

“Jealous, Miss Sullivan?” Dan asked.

“The way your crabs are jealous of your warts.”

“As neat as that image is,” Harry spoke up from the bench. “It’s time we got on with the first case. I’m guessing she’s up first,” he said, indicating Lurleen.

Mac handed Harry the file. “Lurleen Sultenfoose. She was picked up for property destruction and wanton criminal mischief,” he said.

“In my defense,” Lurleen said, “I had to open that fire hydrant. It was an emergency.”

“Was there a fire?” Harry asked.

“No, my plants needed water and I wasn’t getting any pressure in the tub! So I went all Ripley on the hydrant with a wrench."

There was a pregnant pause. “Starting with a live one,” Harry remarked. “Prosecution, what’s your case?”

“Judge Stone,” Dan tugged at his jacket, strutting toward the bench like a banty rooster. “The people think it’s outrageous that a fresh, beautiful flower such as Miss Sultenfoose has been threatened with jail time! The court should be ashamed of this flagrant abuse of power, and of taking Miss Sultenfoose away from her usual Saturday Night activity – working in a soup kitchen for needy, homeless, hopeless orphan children.”

“Dan, stop buttering up the court,” Harry said. “Or at least don’t butter me up in the courtroom, we have decency statutes in place for a reason. Defense, your case?”

Christine handed over her copy of the police report. “Your honor, my client was arrested for unlawfully. Her Miranda rights were only partially read and I believe that Officer Lindquists’ insistence that she assaulted him has been fabricated.”

“Oh, I hit him!” said Lurleen. “He insulted my peonies. Nobody insults my peonies, I work like, way hard on them.”

“Yes, and rules were made to be broken,” Dan said. “In any event, Betty Boop here – I mean Miss Sullivan’s fine defendant- has absolutely no reason to spend time in jail, as this is her first offense.” 

Christine stared at Dan in complete confusion, clearly smelling a rat. Lurleen whispered something to her and Christine sighed, completely annoyed by whatever she’d revealed. “Council moves to have the case dismissed on grounds of falsification.”

“Nah,” Harry said. “I want to see how far Dan’s willing to take this before throwing in the towel.”

“I happen to have plenty of towels to spare,” Dan scoffed. “And in article nine title d, the law clearly states…”

“Counsel, I think it’s time to let this go.” Harry picked up his gavel. “Miss Sultenfoose, you’re sentenced to ten hours of community service and ordered to keep at least twenty feet away from the nearest fire hydrant. I think they’ve suffered enough. Next time you need to water your plants in a hurry, just mist them or something like that.”

“But mist is so expensive!” Lurleen worried.

“…State’s case against you is dismissed on grounds of likely fabrication, but please try to respect our boys in blue.” Harry whacked his gavel against his desk. "Next case."

“YES!” Dan cried, pumping his fist in mid-air, then took on a humble posture. “I mean, how unfortunate,” he said solemnly.

“Don’t press your luck, Dan,” Harry said. 

The next case involved a flea circus, literally. Then there were two domestics and another lesson in proper land irrigation from the always-unfortunate Bob and June Weaver. They were halfway through the evening’s case load when Harry called a recess. Not one of them was surprised to see Lurleen and Dan together.

“Are you gonna ask?” Mac wondered to Harry as they approached with their meals.

“Nah. I have faith in Dan. Deep, deep down he knows he's wrong. I bet he’ll come around and figure out throwing the case was an awful idea.”

As they sat down snatches of Dan and Lurleen’s conversation drifted toward them. They learned rather too much about hot tubs and how Dan liked to misuse their jets by the time Christine approached, loaded for bear.

“You’re not going to actually let him get away with this, are you?” she asked, loudly enough to draw Dan’s attention. “We all know he threw that case for his own dirty, ugly needs.”

“Speaking of satisfied needs,” Dan said, “perhaps if you solved some of your own you wouldn’t be so uptight.”

“Harry!”

“Guys, I’m off the clock,” Harry said. “It’s…exactly one minute after midnight on April first, and you’re both fully-grown adults. I know you can figure out how to handle this. I think that would be best...”

“Of course! Mostly because I’m a thousand times more mature than Dan.”

“Take that back!”

“Make me!”

“Please, guys, exercise some decency?”

Christine snorted at Judge Stone’s statement. “What does Dan know about decency?” 

“There’s a simple answer to that, and you’ll find it if you’ll reach into your briefcase and look for the documents I handed you at the beginning of today’s session.”

“Honestly, Dan, I’m not going to fall for the oldest trick in the book on April Fool’s Day,” Christine said. “Which is why I switched briefcases with you in the elevator! In your face, Dan, the rotten eggs are all yours!” 

“And that’s why I switched them back! In your FACE, Christine!”

“Should we tell them?” Harry asked Mac.

“Might as well,” Mac said.

“You guys aren’t looking at the bigger picture,” Harry hinted. “The bigger, Lurleen-related picture…”

There was a pause as Dan cast his eyes on the woman. “You have got to be kidding me,” he muttered.

“Nope,” Harry said. “Happy April Fool’s Day, Dan – meet Susan Amesbury, she’ll be appearing as Ophelia in an off-off-off Broadway production of Something Happened on the Way to Denmark starting this Sunday.”

Lurleen smiled and extended her hand toward Dan, and a patrician accent came from between her lips. “Charmed.”

“You mean,” Christine said, her jaw agape, “you set up this whole thing just to trick us?”

“And to stop the two of you from killing each other with an escalating prank war.”

Dan was entirely distracted, only half-hearing Christine and Harry’s discussion. “So, are you still free for lunch tomorrow? Comes Complete with dessert.”

“No thank you,” Susan said.

“How challenging,” he said. Dan would become so absorbed in trying to get her to go out with him that he would walk right into Mac’s water bucket prank and find himself joybuzzed by Bull multiple times. 

He didn’t get her real address, but he did manage to miss Roz’ pepper gum prank.

There were, in the end, benefits to avoiding the infirmary on April Fool’s Day.


End file.
